How Cold Is It?


“More cold coming our way this week as a “polar vortex” creates weather people under forty have never seen….”

Ominous words from the WeatherChannel, where that type of “weather speak” is good for business.

All I know is it’s so damn cold outside, makes me wanna smack somebody’s momma. It’s so cold outside that my curses froze in midair so that the bus driver sees them clearly when he finally pulls up 20 minutes behind schedule to the bus stop. It’s so cold outside that I actually put a hat on! It’s so cold outside, your $6.75 Starbucks Mocha Latte blah, blah, blah turned to iced coffee the minute you step out the store. It’s so cold out that the PETA people looked on enviously at folks wearing their fur coats, fur muffs and matching fur hats.

But really, just how cold is it?
Well — Its so cold out that…

• Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs.

• Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

• We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to warm up.

• Politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets.

• I listened to Rush Limbaugh just for the hot air.

• People are looking forward to getting a fever.

• The rock that was rattling around in my shoe was my toe.

• Even members of congress couldn’t get into a heated argument.

• Dude told me his balls have become ovaries.

My car won’t start running and my nose won’t stop.

• Hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.

• I baked a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute later it was frosted.

• Only guys with names like “Ed” and “Bob” have enough time to pee their names in the snow.

• I saw some young dude pull up his damn pants.

• I almost got married.

• I accidentally keyed a car with my nipples. 

Ok, That’s enough. Go take a hot bath, make yourself a hot toddy and go to bed.


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